Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
