she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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