There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
