I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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