He disabled his match.com account in front of me
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I want to be your penis for a week.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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