Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
