after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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