I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he thought i was a dude.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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