So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
