the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
