Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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