He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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