Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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