you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize