i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
