Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
