Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
