my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
two words...techno handjob
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize