I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
