I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm always down for nudity.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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