she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
