You can't special order awesome
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
