We're like a lot better than the average bears
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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