brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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