and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
