So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
