What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
