I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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