Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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