I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
