You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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