In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
