i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
