yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down