I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar