I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
