3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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