Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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