I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
