i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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