so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
