He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
