I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
