Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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