I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize