I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i need some magic done to my vagina
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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