my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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