she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
