I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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