i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
