Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
