New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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