1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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