I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
