I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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