checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
