A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
