Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I will pee on everything he values.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
