Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
