ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
